The siege-ramp of the heart

Can there indeed be meaning?

Is it possible that what I see is not all that exists? Can there be something (or someone) that exists, that I cannot see?

Is it possible there's indeed a reason why I am here? A purpose to being here? Can it be that I am indeed going somewhere, unbeknownst to me?

Or is it like I always thought? No meaning. All that exists is all I see. Nothing exists that I do not see. No great reason why I am here - I just am here, that's all. No purpose other than the immediate one, not really headed anywhere.

Am I a fool to ask?

Many of my friends get by without asking, even do well. It's complicated enough to get by without asking, so what am I thinking here? Why multiply complication?

What are my hopes for answers? Everyone has something to say; everyone believes something. If believing something will provide an anchor, there's plenty to choose from.

Are all those who believe something anchored, not adrift in the windless, endless, deathly Sargasso Sea? Or are their 'anchors' illusory, relative, subjective? Like the wind that just blows anywhere, without a beginning or an end?

When will this moment pass, so I can go on living without questions?

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Every once in a while, questions build a siege ramp against the walls of my heart. I used to know how to live without suspicion, but now I am not so sure. I've got to find something to believe.

Will any old thing to believe do? After all, it must be all in my mind - probably just getting older. Any old thing used to be enough in the old days - nowadays I've seen too much and heard too much. I never feared, but now I am beginning to wonder. And no, it's not the usual religious fear psychosis. I hate to say this and I wouldn't admit it to myself......but there is genuine unrest inside.

Is there a parallel universe out there which sometimes steps into this one? I've got to know. But how can I find out? Who would know? People would think (and I would agree) I'm stark raving mad to ask.

Why won't this world settle? Why must there be more and more decay? Why can't it all get better so I wouldn't have questions?

Maybe if......

But then.....

..........